And I thought I was scared


Being from a country where even sex is still a taboo and where sex fetishes will make 95 percent of the population turn their head or raise an eyebrow, makes one keeping everything to himself a normal fact.

The major problem with keeping everything to yourself arises when it comes to intimacy and interacting with that special someone you’re interested in having a relationship with.

While you age, if you’re self aware, that is – a thing that’s hard to find nowadays, people being too concerned with surviving till tomorrow – you come to realize what you like and don’t like, things that turn you on and things that don’t and so on and so forth. But as I said, you have to have the time and be willing to dig a little under the surface and self assessments nowadays are hard to make considering the system is developed in such a way that it doesn’t give you enough time to think about yourself.

Not getting to know yourself in this day of age, when you’re bombarded with information from every direction which makes you come in contact with different groups of people, will put you at least one step behind from the rest of the civilized world. You, as an underdeveloped (informational wise) human being will react with violence towards those groups of people, minorities as they are legally defined.

An interesting fact: if you took all the minorities (be them sexual, religious, ethnic, etc) and sum them up, you will get a larger population than the one existing at the moment.

That violence comes from the lack of knowledge one has of the subject at hand, the same seed from which fear grows as well (even if as an intermediate product before violence, for some still have other ways of defusing that fear besides violence).

But that’s only one side of the fear. The other side of fear of which I actually wanted to talk about, is our own. For past violence on members of the communities of which we are part of, whatever they may be, has made us reluctant in being ourselves even towards people we love, people we care about and people we know quite well.

We’re also afraid of losing people if we told them our “dark” secrets so we keep everything bottled up, searching for means of relieving ourselves of the tensions building and building inside our heads.

Some people will forever keep their secrets and learn to live with their frustrations. Some people have good friends that they trust enough to talk about what bothers them and if the case were, where they have to let go of some of them, they just deal with it. Some people find web communities as a good place to relieve tensions and frustrations, thanks to the current technology that made it possible, and this is what I was planning on talking about.

One of the first things I realized about myself was the fact that I was gay. I had a hard time coming out of the closet but still did so to some extent. I was so obsessed about the fact that I was gay that at some point I started on the wrong path, that that was who I was and just that. I was lucky enough to have a friend shed some light upon the whole situation, slapping me back to reality, making me aware of the fact that being gay was just a part of me, and not the whole, a thought process that I applied from that moment, to everything that I came to realize about myself, onward.

Having to deal with communities myself, in order to deal with frustrations arisen from living in this “second-hand” country, I kind of bumped into people that aren’t aware of the thing I came to realize about myself thanks to that smart friend of mine. I realize communities are built for specific purposes and such, but they are built for you, as a human being to interact with other human beings that share some specific interest. It is a normal thing to talk about that specific interest, I’ll grant you that, as it is to talk other specific stuff related to that particular interest, granted as well, but when that is all people talk about, it becomes a little frustrating.

I can imagine there are people that lead successful lives, that have families, good jobs, adequate hobbies for which they have found means of satisfying and, all they want to do inside these communities, is to talk about this or that specific interest, but statistically they are only a few, if not extremely few.

Then there are people who consider that interest as being one of the biggest, if not, the biggest part of their lives/existence, so they practically immerse themselves into a fantasy world, for in real life there is no possibility of obtaining what they really want (for whatever reason), and they never come out of it ever again. Imagination runs wild with scenarios (grant you, I have my own, not having the opportunity of testing anything yet). Interacting with people, even in writing becomes awkward, for one never attaches such emotions to communicating with the screen of one’s laptop or PC and thus feels free to say whatever is on his mind. People start falling for a fantasy world that has nothing to do with reality. Scenarios upon scenarios which are accepted as possible become improbable when reality sets in, for the two people that started chatting over the web will one day meet and try interacting at another level.

Yes, there are cases in which things are successful, for communication takes the right turn when people actually meet (a thing that people actually fear, because of the fantasy world they have created), but most of them are not, because of the lack in communication outside the interest field of the community of your own choosing.

I have my own self-esteem issues. I’m not the best looking guy out there, either the smartest, I lack some social skills and I have my thought processes that usually scare people away when mentioned (for people tend to run away from what they don’t have the patience to try to understand), but each time I try to have an equilibrated conversation I hit the same brick wall. The same brick wall my trust has shattered into each time I tried something with someone.

People don’t know their own selves, and get scared of people who do.

People who do know themselves, are usually full of precaution with others and are usually scared, trying to protect what they know, because what you know about yourself is what you hold the most dear.

Unfortunately the second type of people is diminishing in numbers, while the other type…

And we come to the term I was practically relating everything to until now: Trust. You can’t trust somebody without knowing that somebody. You can’t say you know somebody if all you know about him/her is what (s)he likes in bed or in the privacy of one’s “intimacy”, so to say. So talk about other stuff as well, not just the specific stuff you joined that community for, just so you don’t get disappointed when you find out your new mate doesn’t like peanut butter (as a lack of another example) for breakfast (considering that’s the only thing you eat and have in the fridge usually).

Also you can’t get to trust somebody if you don’t know yourself and your own limits. I’m not referring to the surprise and exhilarating feel you’ll get when in bed and you find a certain fist going a way you weren’t expecting it to, for that will have surely been discussed already. People have tried to get to know themselves for centuries now and have been disappointed to find out that they knew almost nothing at the moment of their deaths. But that doesn’t mean it is acceptable for you not to have an opinion if not an answer to a question outside the interest field of the community you joined.

I really need to come and trust someone until I make any other step in any other direction. You have to realize that that can only be accomplished in time, thus, one needs to have patience with someone like me. Things might break along the way; things might break at the end. But considering the means of communication is what it is in the beginning, aka, talking or chatting, please try and make an effort in pushing your limits further and further. I think people already give enough false information about themselves to even start taking into consideration the risk of identity theft.

Trust… *sigh* such a difficult concept to come by.

I thought I was scared to be my real self, considering the “wonderful” country I live in. I realize that everywhere else it’s the same situation, not necessarily just because people are afraid of others, but because they are afraid of their own “little” selves.

Take care, each and every one of you. I wish you all the best of luck.


~ by Death Whisper on June 24, 2013.

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